Soul-Searching, and Writing as Catharsis and Exploration

This blog has laid dormant for some years, as I entered a phase of life where it felt like I was just "too busy" to keep up with it. Or I simply couldn't justify keeping up with it.

I have long been using writing as a healing tool; as a catharsis of sorts.

I was never particularly adept at expressing myself verbally; although I see myself as well-meaning, I tend to have a bad case of "Foot-in-Mouth Disease." I call it a "bad" case because not only do I end up saying all the wrong things, I end up saying more wrong things when I try to correct my previous misstatements.

So I often use writing to "work through things," because it seems to move at the same pace as my thought patterns, and I have the opportunity to backspace over something that really didn't come out the way I had intended... and I get both a second, third and more chances to double check my work.

So what does all that have to do with bringing this blog back from the dead?

Well, as more than a few of you are probably aware, Sarah and I recently closed our small local art and gift gallery called the Red Dragonfly. So there was an "ending" there, and I now find myself looking at the next phase of life.

Meanwhile (and not related) Sarah is away on an extended sabbatical/retreat. Although much of my time while she is away will be given over to catching up with yardwork and housework, I will also be spending time examining and taking inventory of this thing called "life," and specifically of what exactly it means to be authentically me. She left me with an excellent set of ideas and pointers, which I value because she has an outstanding grasp of human emotions... I have much gratitude.

I suppose a logical question might be to ask "Why put this out in a blog? Why not just keep a private journal? This seems pretty personal..."

A fair question.

The key here is authenticity. And I keep thinking of the old Danish expression "Bordet fanger," which is a card game expression that literally means that the table "catches."

Authenticity.

I worry that just keeping a private journal might push me over into my old bad habits of "going back and embroidering" what I have previously said, so that it seems "better" and "prettier."

If I commit to committing my words to be public space where others see it, the "table catches" and I don't get to go back and "prettify" what may not be so pretty.

So even though this is just a "pre-amble," I am already establishing personal truth number one: I don't entirely trust myself.

For all I know, this might not end up going anywhere, at all. But I feel... unusually committed... to the process this time, even though I have been through these cycles before.

So, there it is.

Still contemplating whether I should just do this as "Facebook Notes," but I prefer the more flexible format offered by Blogger, so I think I will stick with that.

So just what IS this "Authenticity" thing, anyway?

Many years ago, I sat with a friend during a workshop break and we discussed moving, life and what thereof follows. I had been talking about my (then) plans to relocate from Texas to Washington state.

My friend said "Wherever you go, you take yourself along."

We added the corollary "... so when you DO go, you'd better make sure the 'Yourself' you take along is someone you like."

I've often thought back on that day, and reminded myself of the importance of not only "knowing" ourselves, but also the importance of being truthful in our self-knowing.

That second bit seems to be what trips people up, more often than not.

Who are you, really?
Who am I, really?
Who is anyone, really?
And are we open to really being that?

As children, we exist largely "unfiltered," at least until we become acquainted with the word "don't!" typically delivered in a relentless fashion by our parents.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that's a bad thing. "Don't" is a part of learning not to touch a hot stove, or not running out into traffic. However... the "don't" that potentially represses the truth of Who We Are is not so good. Or, at least, it tends to repress parts of our essence that come back to bug us later, in the form of a "mid-life crisis."

What do we learn, as we walk through life?

Most of us learn how to "act," and how to put on the facade we believe "best serves" us. Yet, no matter how good we may become at maintaining our carefully constructed "self images"... there are very few people who don't eventually "show us" who they really are, below the veneer.

What does an "image" do?

It seems it allows us to have an "affiliate identity" aside from merely being a Human.

I'm a Goth.
I'm a Healer.
I'm a Warrior.
I'm a Pacifist.
I'm a Geek.
I'm a Hipster.
I'm a Badass.
I'm a Guru.
I'm a Mystic.
I'm a Christian.
I'm a Buddhist.

Perhaps... for some people... these terms (and untold thousands like them) are no more than semantic identifiers that afford us a shortcut to placing ourselves "somewhere" in a meaningful context of the overall human experience. In a psychologically healthy context, it's merely a bit of descriptive text that allows us to have a sense of place within the card catalog of the Library of Life.

I am a Highly Sensitive Person. I am an Introvert. I am a Dane.

These things "describe" me, but they are not what I essentially "am."

But...

What happens when the image becomes the person? What happens when we become more strongly identified with the self-image we've created, than our (often hidden) inner truth?

People eventually show us who they are, as people.

And there's the rub. We are not our "images." And even those who have very carefully manufactured "masks" will have moments (and often many of them) when they inadvertently let their "human-ness" show, no matter how carefully their facades may be constructed.

Which begs the question "Why are you afraid to just be human? To just be yourself?"

I started thinking about this several years ago, as I was gathering my thoughts to write an article (which I still haven't finished) about why the majority of HSPs are afraid of letting anyone actually see that they are Highly Sensitive. There's a "disconnect" between between outward expression, and inner essence.

Sarah and I were talking about our "super powers," yesterday. She's a clairvoyant and world class psychic... her super power is the ability to "sit inside" other people's energies and immediately being able to see their "story." My own super power is more akin to being able to immediately evaluate the "relationship" between what someone says they "are" (their words) and what their actual doing and being says they are.

It never ceases to amaze me how much people's actions and true essence betrays their words... no matter how skilled they are at conveying their "story." This is especially true of those who seem "addicted" to labels... labels they use as a way to excuse themselves from their humanness, by substituting the attributes of their chosen label for their true essence.

I'm sure you've met them: "I have/can't/do/am XYZ because am an ABC" and variations of the preceding. Sometimes true, but often an excuse.

"I can't work because I'm ADHD."

No, not true.

The point being that it's a truly beautiful-- and quite rare-- thing when someone's "story" and their "essence" are totally in synch. And that, to me, is the definition of true authenticity: There's no "story" that deviates from the essence of who someone "is." Not only do such people "live their story;" their story is an authentic expression of who they genuinely are.

But it's hard work, and perhaps that's why many people resort to labels, rather than allowing their authenticity to shine. Labels are easy. "Images" are easy. Many many moons ago, I remember someone saying (about their rather ambiguous profile on a dating web site) that "it's less painful to be rejected for a projection of myself, than being rejected for my REAL self."

True words, those.

But do we really want to live in a box of lies?