Home Thoughts From Abroad, Part X: Reprise

It was raining a little, as we got ready to leave Denmark.

It was also raining when we arrived, and such is the way of the Danish summer. I remember a local joke from when I was little... the Dane who shrugs and tells the tourist who's complaining about the weather "Well... summer fell on a Tuesday, this year."

I came to realize-- during this visit-- why I moved to Western Washington, and why the relative gray coolness and rain of the greater Seattle area doesn't bother me; it is very much like "Denmark with mountains." In some way, this corner of the US feels like "home," at least in the physical sense of the word. The light is the right "color" here. The trees and plants look and smell right. There is water and islands everywhere. There is a (hard to describe) "gentleness" of the land and people here that I have not found elsewhere in the US.

In Denmark, we have a saying that goes "Øst, vest, hjemme bedst."

Literally translated, it means "East, west... home is best," and is ultimately a commentary on travel, and how we find rest in the place we feel is our home.

I am a global nomad-- I was raised and have lived all over the world. As such, I have an easy time settling, wherever I am. Doesn't mean I feel at home there, just that I can easily adapt and fit in. France, Spain, Kenya, Texas...

What is "home," though?

Perhaps it is a state of mind, not a place. Perhaps it is only "a place" to the degree that a series of small vignettes of life; little slices of good times in different places-- make them feel like home. My aunt's house in Denmark (where we stayed) feels like "home," but only to a degree... since she is no longer there; only the memories of her there linger. Denmark feels like "home" when I eat certain foods there. Spain feels like home when I walk on certain beaches and see snow on the coastal mountains.

Port Townsend, Washington is now home. But it's only home to the extent that I choose to embrace it as such... not because I lived there in my youth, nor because I moved there, nor because it's a really cool place, nor because Sarah and I now own house there, together.

"Home," is-- in some way-- a fleeting feeling, or perhaps a series of brief moments in which the chaos of life arranges itself in such a way that we feel like-- in that moment-- we are connected to something, and belong. In my case, I now know that it is deeply a reflection of whom I am sharing those moments with, and the places themselves serve more as a kind of window dressing that makes everything crisper; more in focus; more beautiful.

As I consider that, maybe it could be said that home is Love, and Love is home... if you have found the right person to share your moments with.

In end, perhaps that's the key.

Our quest to find "home" reflects our desire to feel deeply connected to something/someone outside ourselves... someone (or something) that allows-- even if just for a moment-- to feel like we "belong."

I have that sense of belonging, and I feel blessed that she is in my life.

And that... makes me feel home...

Home Thoughts From Abroad, Part IV: Food & Drink Culture

Danish people can often be observed to assemble in groups to drink beer.

Truth be known, they also often assemble to drink coffee, but observers don't notice that as much, since most coffee drinking takes place indoors. The drinking of beer pretty much takes place anywhere, for any reason... in public, or in private. "Oh look, the sun came out-- let's sit outside and have a beer!" is not an unusual thing for someone to say.

Of course, this might mean going to a bar, but would more likely mean grabbing a couple of cold ones from the grocery and sitting on a random bench somewhere. Or in your neighbor's garden.

Food and drink culture in Denmark is quite different from food and drink culture in the US.

The average American eats out 4-5 times a week while the average Dane rarely eats out at all. Growing up here, I remember that "going to a restaurant" was something we only did for very special occasions, like someone having a "big" birthday, or somebody's anniversary. And when we did eat out, it was a lengthy affair (often lasting three hours or more), and also very costly. My father-- who could certainly afford to-- chose not to eat out very often, with the reasoning that "it's just not very good."

Denmark is possibly the most expensive country in Western Europe in which to eat out, and similar foods "eaten out" will often cost 3-4 times more than in the US. I have been thinking about this, over the past few days, and recall when a group of family members went out to celebrate one of my Aunt Ulla's "round" birthdays. She rather protested the idea, but we went anyway-- to a "nice" (but by no means "luxury") restaurant, not too far from here. I vaguely remember that the "fixed price" 5-course dinner with wine for eight people ran somewhere in the range of $1400.00. Over a decade ago.

A non-Dane might be given to ask how it can be so expensive. Much of the answer can be found in the exceptionally high taxes in Denmark, and in the fact that waitstaff is paid very highly. Service, however, tends to be very slow and often grumpy.

People in Denmark get together to eat and drink at each other's homes, most of the time. Such visits are not just about food and drink, but a social event... a way to spend time with friends. Much like "going out to eat" is often a several-hour affair, so is going to someone's house for dinner. In the summer, you might start out with a few beers and snacks on the patio before dinner; then a 3-4 course meal with wine (which takes a couple of hours to slowly work through), followed by coffee and brandy/liqueurs and more snacks/chocolate.

The idea of "going out to grab a bite" with a friend, and the whole meal and visit being over and done with in 60 (or maybe 90) minutes is all but an unknown concept in Denmark, although it is becoming more common in cities, especially among affluent younger Danes. Even a company/work lunch tends to be much more elaborate than a "grab it and run" affair... hence "fast food" has never really caught on in Denmark... aside from the ubiquitous sausage and hot dog street vendors, particularly common in cities. "Grill bars" are also increasingly common, and are an "extension" of the hot dog vendor, with a larger selection.

In Denmark, a plate of french fries is often "a meal" for people... or, at least, a substantial snack.

Visitors to Denmark-- especially from the US-- will probably notice certain differences in the food. Often these are most pronounced in the area of condiments-- in Denmark, french fries are often served with mayo or the local equivalent of tartar sauce. And some condiments-- like ketchup-- might look the same, but taste quite different. If you get a pickle with your burger, it will most likely be sweet, not salty. Baked goods, butter and snack foods often seem bland to visitors, as they often contain up to 50% less salt or sugar than we're used to.

"Sandwiches" in Denmark are almost always open-faced... a slice of rather dense heavy bread (wheat or rye), buttered, often with just one kind of meat, or a simple slice of cheese. For most people, not very exciting. Conversely, I remember some Danish friends visiting the US and remarking about US sandwiches that the bread seemed "insubstantial" and the sandwich had "enough meat and cheese to feed a family of four."

Having lived on both sides of the Atlantic, these are all points well taken. I'd be hard pressed to say that I clearly prefer the food-- and the "style" of eating/socializing-- of one country over the other. I'm appreciative of the "slow" nature of food in Denmark, but also know it's set against a cultural backdrop where 37 hours constitutes a full work week... and where what one does with one's leisure time is far more important than what one does for work.

The house in which we are staying here in Denmark was "about food" for me, and for a lot of other people who came here to visit. My aunt Ulla enjoyed feeding her guests very substantial meals... and I always looked forward to the food here, especially the chicken and gravy, as well as some of the pork roasts... not to mention the large lunch spreads that would appear daily.

Home Thoughts From Abroad, Part III: Small Scale

There are things about Denmark I had all but forgotten.

Things are small, here.

The country, itself, is small. At 16,641 square miles, the entire country is only a little bit larger than the state of Maryland. Which ranks 42nd of 50 US states, in terms of area.

Stores are small. Roads are small. Houses are small.

I was cooking bacon this morning, using a standard (well, actually TWO) package of Danish bacon. 140 grams (just under 5oz); 8 thin small slices. Here, probably considered "plenty" for breakfast for a family of four. As I stood there, I considered the three pound packages of bacon we sometimes get from Safeway.

Milk comes in one liter cartons. Period. That's about a quart. A few years ago, you could get two liter containers, but the trend never really caught on.

Cars are small. We rented a "large" car, by Danish standards... and could barely fit four people and their luggage in it.

Of course, gas here is over $9.00 a gallon, so driving a gas hog is a bit out of the question. You don't see a lot of Suburbans or Ford Expeditions here. Or large pick-up trucks.

Oddly enough, a Danish case of beer has 30 bottles, vs. a US case (usually of cans) having 24.

Maybe that says something about priorities. Who knows?

People, also, are not small. The average height of adult men in Denmark 5 feet 11 1/2 inches, vs. 5 feet 9 1/2 inches in the US. For Danish women it is 5 feet 7 1/2 inches, vs. 5 feet 4 1/2 inches in the US.

Makes me chuckle a bit, that... larger people having to use smaller things and live in smaller houses, and vice-versa.

"Making do with less" and "economizing" run as subtle subtexts through much of Danish culture. Having been away from here for seven years, I am perhaps noticing it more, this visit. It's neither good nor bad... just different.

Home Thoughts From Abroad, Part I

When English poet Robert Browning penned "Home Thoughts from Abroad," he'd become an ex-pat living in Italy, longing for many simple things of his native England.

I'm no Browning, and my longing for "home" has somewhat passed-- but the title of his famous poem seems like an appropriate metaphor to describe a few ramblings from Denmark, where we will be spending the next three weeks.

As we drove from the airport to this house-- which my grandfather had built in 1939-- Sarah remarked as to how much Denmark "looks like Washington" where we now live. Indeed, this is quite true... western Washington is much like "Denmark with mountains;" water... islands... frequent rains... a myriad shades of green... a certain "softness" to everything.

"Home."

I used to think of going to Denmark as "going home." But what is "home," really? Is it the place you were born, or the place where you settle and find your sense of connectedness to what's around you? Or is it some of both? Perhaps in our youth, home is more of a physical place... but as we age, it becomes more of a feeling; a state of mind. Home ceases to simply exist, and becomes something we create.

This house-- 71 years young-- started as a family retreat, and then became my Aunt Ulla's summer home. Although 14 years my father's senior, she was his youngest sister. As siblings go, they were good friends... connected by an interesting dynamic that often bridged sibling/parental roles. She was one of the few who could tell my father to "calm the f&%# down!" with any measure of success. As I ponder the two of them, I sometimes think the radical differences in their approaches to life-- he: tense, angry, demanding, short tempered, type A; she: calm, patient, philosophical, relaxed-- directly explains why she outlived him by a good 20 years.

The house was named "Tofte" and-- aside from serving as Ulla's favorite place to live-- served as a family retreat of sorts. Set on originally 24 (now 12) acres of wooded land, it became a landing place for people to find peace, young and old alike. Over the years, a steady stream of family members, friends, artists and others would come here for anywhere from a few hours to a few weeks to get away and somehow leave behind whatever ailed them... even if just for a short while.

Although there is now wireless Internet and a flat screen TV in the house, time has pretty much stood still here, since 1939. Time here is... slow. The noisiest thing is the "din" of birdsong... which (at least in summer) starts up around 4:00am and keeps going till 10:30 at night. In the high north, it stays light a long time, in summer...

The presence of Aunt Ulla was central to the healing nature of being here: She was willing to listen sympathetically to anyone's story and woes... after which she'd gently insist that people forget their drama and trauma, perhaps with a suggestion like "Well, I think you should have a beer and go sit in the sun and read a book." It wasn't that she didn't honor that people had difficulties... it was merely that she didn't tolerate anyone wallowing in their troubles. Her particular brand of healing took the form of an invitation to step outside one's troubles... on more than one occasion I can recall her saying things "Well... that'll still be there when you get home, but you can't do anything about it while you're here, and worrying will not help."

"Tofte" is a deeply introspective place. It invites you to look inwards and to "sit in your truth" even if it's rather nasty and unpleasant... the same energy that makes time stand still here also provides a neutral and embracing backdrop against which nothing "new" is piled on top of a person's existing troubles. Which-- of course-- also makes it a deeply healing place, for most people. A few-- and they are very few-- have found the lack of "distractions" and the fact that there is really "nothing to do" here distressing enough that they just want to leave.

I spent a lot of time here, as a child and as an adult. When I was little, we'd come here for family gatherings, and just for weekends. Sometimes-- when my parents were traveling abroad-- I would come and stay here for extended periods of time, becoming part of the place while Ulla looked after me. I would observe the ebb and flow of people, and how they would change as a result of their visits; somehow becoming "lighter" or happier or more balanced. In my late teens and as a young adult, I would spend entire summers here.

I often write, when I am here. Somehow, I seem better able to focus, in these surroundings. In days gone by, other writers... and painters, and artists... found the same to be true, for them. In that spirit, I find myself writing these words.

The seven years that have passed since my last visit is probably the longest I have been away from this place.

Crime: Different nations, different values?

I never quite know how I end up down some of the rabbit holes I find.

Somehow I ended up considering violence and crime, following some article somewhere that led to some statistics somewhere else. It made me ponder something about my early life... and remember part of my childhood. Specifically, I didn't remember us ever being worried about violence or guns in Denmark, but we were plenty worried about theft; the house being burgled or the car being broken into. Since I've lived in the US I realize that I worry less about being stolen from, than I worry about someone violently attacking me, or shooting me.

Of course, these are just "feelings," but it made me curious.

So I ended up looking at this 1400-page UN report on crime in different countries. And came away with some reassurance that these were not "just feelings."

Indeed, there are five times more homicides (per 100,000 people) in the US, than in Denmark. If you break out homicides with a firearm, twelve times more. Then I looked at a different form of violent crime: Rape. There are about 3.5 times more rapes (per 100,000 people) in the US, than in Denmark.

But this is only half the equation. Here's the flip side. In Denmark, there are about twice the number of thefts (per 100,000 people) compared to the US. That balance also holds true for "property crimes," in general.

Now, before anyone starts to "go off" on me about gun laws or socialism or whatever... I don't care, and that's not what this exploration is about. Second, I also know that you can use statistics to tell almost any story you want. And that not all crimes are reported.

Anyway, realizing that my gut feelings had some kind of anchor in reality, I started to consider "WHY?" Why these differences?

It occurred to me that perhaps crime is a strange mirror and reflection of what a society ultimately "values."

Denmark is a very "community" oriented society. Concepts such as "us" and "society" and "common good" rank much higher than "me" and "mine" and "the individual" as core values. On the other hand, "things" and "objects" and "wealth" are part of common life, but not that important. I remember certain "messages" I heard... violence against someone was almost an unspeakable act; something only the crudest barbarian would resort to. If someone broke in your house, however, the response was less likely to be outrage than "Yeah, well, you should have had better locks, shouldn't you?"

In the US, we're spread out, and "individualism" is king, and the sense of "us" and "community" is not nearly as strong. One the other hand, there is a strong drive to "acquire" and to gain wealth, often in the form of "objects" (property). I have a vivid memory of my downstairs neighbor during my senior year in college in Texas having his car stereo stolen... and him saying to be (and he was dead serious) "If I'd caught that guy stealing my stereo, I'd have taken my gun and shot him right there!"

So I wondered this: Do we-- as a species-- avoid perpetrating crime against what we value most? Let's assume for a moment that we all have the same inner degree of "criminal intent." Danes value "people" highly, but "property" not so highly... in the US, we value "property" (relatively speaking) higher than "people."

Is there a subtle, subconscious "trigger" mechanism... that if we are driven to commit crime, we are more likely to do so against what our surrounding culture values less?

Of course, I realize there are a myriad variables-- this is NOT a "scientific" inquiry! It is merely a "pause for thought" exercise.